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Study shows students related to raccoons

You know one. You’ve seen one. You’ve probably been one—a raccoon in a backpack. Raccoons are medium-sized mammals, sporting dexterous front paws, a facial mask and a distinct ringed tall. In a ghastly new discovery, investigators for The Oracle have received results from ancestry.com, revealing ORU students’ origins and closest relatives. 

In this shocking turn of events, the study summarizes that ORU students have an 89 percent DNA match with raccoons. This comes as a surprise to many students as they try and come to grips with their new reality. How could we possibly be anything like a raccoon?

Raccoons are sly, clever beasts. They are usually nocturnal, but will take advantage of any food they can find during the daylight. Their masked faces, with dark circles under their eyes, sometimes gives them a sickly appearance. They occasionally have abnormal body movements and a tendency to be aggressive if provoked. Raccoons will climb high into the trees when they are afraid and they regularly eat trash. They clearly have a problem with self-care and are completely unlike us, right?

Wrong. 

After a closer examination of raccoons’ habits and lifestyles, The Oracle has come to the conclusion that the 89 percent DNA match actually makes perfect sense. Just as raccoons are largely nocturnal, ORU students practice the same behavior, awakening after only a few hours of sleep ten minutes before class starts with dark circles under their eyes, along with a generally pale, hair-ruffled appearance. 

In a sly and clever manner, students then slip quietly into the back of the classroom to avoid drawing attention to themselves. 

Students can also be seen during the night ravenously searching for food they neglected to ingest during the day due to other preoccupations, such as the compulsive downing of iced coffees from Hava Java. Just as raccoons are regularly seen eating trash, ORU students’ diets are synonymous as they consume high volumes of the same food group daily.  

Furthermore, the same abnormal body movements of raccoons are also present in students. The unnatural and extremely cringe-worthy movements of students during the HPE field tests closely resemble the unnatural movements of a scavenging raccoon. Both the raccoon and the student seem to be in great pain. 

The aggressive behavior exhibited by raccoons when they feel provoked can also be seen in students who, after a long day of procrastination, are provoked by an unexpected computer crash at 11:58 p.m. when their paper is due at 11:59 p.m. 

Fist bashing computers is not uncommon to students. Such outbursts can cause students to be afraid of failing, and just like raccoons, students often retreat to high places such as the prayer tower to ease their fears. 

In conclusion, The Oracle informs the public of such sensitive news with great consideration of the emotional effects it could induce. However, the self-care habits of raccoons are so strikingly similar to those of ORU students, it would be an injustice for us to withhold such pressing information. 

So, to all the studious raccoons out there, you are more than your ancestral past. Rise above the poor self-care habits of our close relatives and take better care of yourselves, ya filthy animals. 

Think: “Less raccoon. More golden eagles.”