The Magic New Deal is an exciting new plan to take over the world and globalize my personal understanding of utopia—a society free of any disagreement and free thought because the entire world will be under my control, listening to my fresh face because it’s so cute and passionate. But don’t worry; it won’t feel like control. It’ll feel like freedom, because the feeling of freedom is better than actually being free anyway!
Take a trip with me for a moment—just close your eyes and keep reading: Imagine a world where the grass is never greener on the other side, because I’ve painted all the grass everywhere green (with eco-friendly paint, of course!). Imagine the sun is shining everyday, because I’ve invented a new source of light energy (how? Magic!), a world where it is always sunny and bright and happy, hurray! Imagine a life as easy as a fart-free breeze, because I’ll get rid of all the smelly animals farting up our air. Imagine a world where if you don’t feel like working, I’ll send you a paycheck anyway, because that makes perfect sense. Imagine a world where we can just have dance parties all the time, because I’m so relatable. I dance all the time.
Sound impossible? That’s because it is. At least, it’s definitely not possible without my magic. And as your new leader, I have a bunch of magic. So gracious of me to share it with you, I know, but that’s the kind of person I am. An adorable person with no training in world domination—I was actually a waitress before I got this gig—but I can just tell I’ll be great at it. I’m great.
You must be wondering how I’ll use my magic to achieve this. “What’s the plan?” you ask. “Besides the magic, where do we come in? How do we usher in this Magic New Deal?” Well, I’m glad you’ve asked. That’s what I like about you—you get behind anything new and shiny, and scream its name. I’ve picked out a new highlight for my makeup and you’ve noticed. Oh, you. So supportive.
Yes, I do need something from you. Well, two things. Two tiny things; no big deal at all, you’ll hardly notice they’re gone.
One, your undying support. Never doubt me. Never ask me hard questions. Never think too hard about my answers. Never break down my arguments with mere logic. I’m morally right and factually incorrect, but that’s politics, baby! Just blindly accept everything I tell you, and everyone will be rich and happy and successful and never have to work again.
Two, I’ll need all your money. I know, I know. That sounds a little crazy, but my magic only goes so far. I just need a little cash to get started, just like…all of it. No big deal. By the time the Magic New Deal is in full effect, you won’t even need money! So why not fork it over to me? I know I can’t even afford my New York apartment, but I’m trustworthy, I promise. I’ll take real good care of it.
Ready to be rich and happy? Sign up today for the Magic New Deal! It only costs everything, but here are the great new things you’ll get:
1. Fart-free air supply
Just gonna get rid of all the animals that fart, no biggie. They’ll die a painless death. We’ll have a giant, vegan feast and then we’ll never need meat again.
2. Never have to work again
Wondering who will do all the work while everyone is in their safe, affordable, adequate housing watching Netflix and eating Hot Cheetos? (Netflix and Hot Cheetos will also be free, by the way). Don’t worry about it! The work will be done by magic! Or by those who really want to work, whoever those weirdos are. (LOL. Who is still “willing” to work? So last year.)
We’ll be destroying all modes of transportation as part of the deal as well, but we can talk about that later, don’t worry about it. I’ll get it done with my magic and all your money. How will we fly across the world? How will you get to your favorite local coffee shop? Who cares?
4. Access to nature
You thought you already had access to nature? You thought you could just walk outside and experience it? Ha! My magic will provide you real access to nature, where it’s always sunshine and rainbows. Just you wait.
5. And of course, FREE EVERYTHING
Free vacations, transportation by teleportation of course. Free education, at all levels no matter how hard you work. Free healthcare, so you can have your cake and eat it too. Free energy, whatever this means. Who’s gonna pay for it? Who cares? It’s free!
I know it sounds like total world takeover, but it’s actually perfect if you don’t think about it too hard—or at all. You can sign up by whisper-chanting the secret incantation that binds your soul to mine and transfers over all your possessions into my control, or by texting “MAGIC NEW DEAL” to the toll-free number I’ll be tweeting out soon. (Be sure to follow me on Twitter for the number! I’m so relatable. I tweet all the time.)
Help us reach a better tomorrow by destroying today, with magic!