We all know most of y’all don’t read this, no matter how much eye contact I make while shoving The Oracle in your hands as you scurry away after Chapel. I’m not trying to be pushy, but yes, I know I’m pushy. So yeah, some of you don’t read it. That’s fine.
But here are 50 other things you can do with the paper besides read it, so now you have no excuse but to reluctantly take it from my child hands.
1. Any arts and crafts (I’m not artsy, so use your imagination and some Mod Podge.)
2. Wrapping paper
3. Endless supply of ransom note letters
4. Something for your pets to potty on
5. Use it to hide your face when spying on your crush in Saga.
6. Conversation starter. Just say, “Did you read that article in The Oracle? Yeah, me neither.”
7. Paper snowball fight
8. ORU-specific blackout poetry
9. Impromptu blankets for when you’re waiting for your bedding to wash and dry
10. Put it on your coffee table to make it look like you keep up with current events.
11. In dire situations, toilet paper
12. In non-dire situations, toilet paper
13. Leave a few copies in your bathroom for when you forget your phone.
14. Practice your grammar skills, and mark any grammatical errors with a red pen and give us a grade.
15. Lay down copies at your front door as an informative doormat.
16. Make a hat (Google it).
17. Shred it to make confetti for your next party.
18. Cut out random articles and put them in the bathroom stalls for pooping readers.
19. Roll one up into a mega-phone; yell at your friends.
20. Paper airplane contest
21. Book cover
22. Desk cover
23. Newspapers are good for covering most things, actually.
24. Motivational poster (Ask Miqueas Barreiro for details.)
25. Paper t-shirt (I don’t know; it’s possible).
26. Use as protection for your walls and floors when painting.
27. Use as protection from the rain, but only if it rains for like three seconds.
28. An uncomfortable bed
29. A last minute, lowkey-lame gift
30. Egg drop competition
31. Carry around a ridiculous number in your hands so that if you trip, you can throw the papers up in the air. When the cloud of papers distracts everyone, you can crawl away and feel embarrassed in peace.
32. Wrap everything your roommate owns in an epic prank.
33. Build a kite.
34. Use them as a background for a photo shoot.
35. Make a papier-mâché piñata.
36. Shelf lining
37. Fire kindling
38. Fireplace logs (You’ll need a lot.)
39. Cheap rags
40. Protect outdoor plants (Google it.)
41. Bedding for a hamster or chick or something
42. Wrap flowers in it.
43. Unscrewing a broken light bulb
46. Envelope (Annoy the mailman.)
47. Roll it up into a weapon; hit your friends for not reading the paper
48. Place mat
49. Funnel (like one of those magic trick funnels—Google it.)
50. Or you could just read it, like a normal person.
Photo by Cicely Rubottom