Choose your unique church experience, because it’s all about you!
Are you tired of church not being what you want it to be? Is the sanctuary too cold? Are the lights too bright? Does the pastor talk about subjects you hate? Well, we have the solution!
Welcome to Church King, where you can have it your way!
We’ve heard the voices of ones crying out in the congregation, stating their dissatisfaction with contemporary worship services, traditional worship services, pretty much every worship service that isn’t catered to their specific understanding of church. No more!
At Church King, a personalized church creation service, each member can create the church experience they want. You can be the shepherd and the flock. Everything that irritates you about your current church can be easily eradicated with our simple algorithm.
When you walk into our trendy foyer, complete with a hipster coffee shop and an outrageous number of La-Z-Boy recliners, you are greeted by a warm, friendly robot. This robot has three settings each member can choose from: Extrovert, Introvert and Invisible.
If you choose the Extrovert setting, your robot will ask you vague, open-ended questions about your weekend, to which you can respond with equal vagueness (what happens on Saturday nights, stays on Saturday nights, amirite?). The robot will give you the personalized “community” you desire from your church experience.
The Introvert setting will silently bring you your favorite coffee beverage and not ask you about your weekend but will vaguely compliment your taste in coffee or apparel. If you wish to dive into a deep conversation, asking the robot any open-ended theological or philosophical question will trigger this setting.
The Invisible setting is for those who typically arrive between ten and thirty minutes late. The robot will allow you to sneak in the back row of the church without any contact with another human being, giving you the ideal church experience for those who are just too busy to get to know the other members. With any luck, you might miss the worship service, too.
From here, the robot will give you a few simple settings to choose from to maximize your church experience. Simply identify which phrases best describe you and we’ll do the hard work of finding the perfect church service for you or simply creating one out of thin air.
•I prefer the sanctuary to be so cold that I can see the opaque steam coming off my caramel macchiato.
•I prefer the sanctuary to be warm and cozy so I can doze off after the offering plate passes me.
•I prefer the sanctuary be below freezing during worship so I don’t sweat off my makeup as I run around, and then toasty during the sermon so I don’t have to wear my winter coat and gloves.
•I prefer the sanctuary to be so dark I feel like I’m at concert during worship and can cheer when the worship leader forgets it’s 9 a.m. and says, “Lift up your voices tonight!”
•I prefer the sanctuary to have only natural lighting streaming in from expensive stained-glass windows; when it’s dark and rainy, light some candles to set the mood.
•I prefer motion sensor lighting in the sanctuary so the pastor will remain animated and entertaining during the sermon.
•I prefer the pastor to only preach about how much God loves me and how amazing I am as a child made in God’s image. Light heresy encouraged.
•I prefer the pastor to do more of a comedy routine than a sermon. Light heresy encouraged.
•I prefer the pastor to take the stances of my favorite political and entertainment figures. Light heresy expected.
•I prefer to sit only with people I know, who look like me and sound like me.
•I prefer to sit with people I don’t know but who are just as shy as me and won’t introduce themselves.
•I prefer to sneak in the back row, with only the company of my robot who will not ask any questions nor make any small talk.
5. Pastor’s Wardrobe
•I prefer for the pastor to resemble the cover of GQ Magazine, complete with a trendy, in-touch hair cut.
•I prefer the pastor to dress like he could either “bring the Word” or order a latte, or both.
•I prefer the pastor to wear the deepest v-neck available, the tightest leather pants and the dopest shoes on the market.
•I want to feel like I’m at a pop/rock and roll concert, complete with fog machine and a light show.
•I prefer no instruments and no dancing, as both are of the devil. Worship must be a cappella and hymns only.
•I’d rather we skip worship, please. I hate standing for long periods of time.
Bonus content includes:
•Offering Opt-Out—no more awkwardly passing by the offering plate without putting anything, you can just skip that part of the service!
•Service Speed Round—no more missing the game or peeking down at your phone for the score as the pastor takes his time, you can press the Speed Round button and condense your service by up to an hour!
• Lunch and a Show—no more tummy rumbling during the mid-morning service, because we bring lunch to you! We’ve partnered with Chick-fil-A and convinced them to serve only the most religious churchgoers with a special lunch of nuggets, waffle fries and lemonade, delivered right to your seat!
Church King knows how hard it is to find a church that meets your every whim, but we’re dedicated to finding that fit for you! After you’ve specified your ideal church experience, our robots will lead you to the service of your dreams, or we’ll create a new one just for you! Come as you are and leave even better, because you can have it your way!
Photo by David Ropotusin