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Duck, duck, goose

Being at ORU is all duck, duck, duck…until it’s goose. Have you ever been personally victimized by the campus geese? If so, you’re not alone. The Canadian Goose assault epidemic is sweeping campus, forcing students to live in fear. These strange, foreign, cobra chickens exhibit gang-like behavior through lewd demonstrations of barbarity.

Straight outta Lake Evelyn, the geese use tactics of oppression, fear and intimidation to assert their dominance over students. Members of the Goosie Gang are frequently seen hissing, honking and flapping, interrupting students’ lives and posing a safety threat to all who encounter the creatures.

Accompanying such acts of violence is the large amount of feces that the gang manages to leave on sidewalks. Such defecation has ruined countless numbers of white Converses, and is yet another piece of evidence indicating the seriousness of the problem.

The geese can also be heard singing their anthem, “Honk, Honk, America.” The Notorious G.O.O.S.E seems to be the ringleader following the release of his new singles “Goose’s Paradise” and “Nothin’ But a Goose Thang.”

More telling of their character than all else is the fact that the Canadian Geese can fly up to 1,500 miles a day, yet still choose to walk across traffic single-file and create a stand-still, causing ORU students to be tardy for class.

You might be wondering how widespread the damage is—there is no way to know how many people have been impacted by goose assault. To gain a sense of the magnitude of the problem, I went to the streets to hear from ORU students about their experiences. Trigger warning: some accounts may not be suitable for freshmen.

“I was walking out of weights one morning after a good workout. As I walked down the ramp, I looked up and the sun got dark as the shape of a bird emerged. I screamed and crouched down. The shape was a wild, rampant, vicious goose. When it landed, it began flapping its wings at me and hissing. I still carry the scars of that experience with me,” recounted ORU junior and Women’s Basketball player Rachel Skalnik of one harrowing experience with the geese.

Unfortunately, Skalnik’s experience is common.

Another ORU student, Amber Turner, remembers a time where she and her friends “had to call security as we were unable to leave Gabrielle to get to class.”

Such acts of terrorism are undoubtedly affecting students’ minds as many are fearful to walk to class where they will encounter such a vile hazard on the way.

If you find yourself in a hostile situation with a goose, do not be afraid to hiss back. Walk away slowly without turning your back and then reevaluate every life decision that brought you to the point of contact.

If you are a goose-assault victim, be courageous and speak up. Together, we can empower each other through empathy to promote lasting change and healing for all.