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Parting words of a senior: V-day tips for the fellas

Courtesy Photo
Courtesy Photo

Below are some tips for those lucky men with a date on Valentine’s Day:
(No Girls Allowed Beyond This Point, Seriously)

1. Do Not Spend Any Money –There’s a few things that I have learned from the hit TLC show, “Extreme Cheapskates,” and one of these lessons is that you don’t have to spend any money on a date. So this Valentine’s Day, take your date dumpster diving or to Saga and save your money for something good like a TV or PlayStation 4. Trust me; being frugal pays off.

2. Ignore Your Date –Ever heard of the strong, silent type? Ever heard of any other type? Exactly. By saying nothing and staring her dead in the eye for your two-hour date, you will only spark more intrigue and desire. Just take a look at BBC’s Sherlock; no one watches that show for the acting or witty dialogue, its all about the mystery. By pretending to be a mute Edward Cullen, you will be the most cryptic and mysterious creature she has ever seen and she will want to solve you.

3. Discuss Old Flings –The modern woman is looking for a man who knows women. By women, I mean a quantitative number of girls, not the broad term for a general understanding of their own sex. Look into your Valentine’s Day date as a sort of job interview; the more experience and references, the better. Girls love qualified and connected men, so do not be afraid to bring up the gory details on every single woman you have dated, held hands with, or even looked at (middle school and junior high flings do not count).

4. Use Your Phone Constantly -Impressions are everything. Men, the ladies you are taking out should be impressed by your actions more than anything and what better way is there to emulate professionalism and productivity, than by being glued to your phone all night. By using organization, finance, and business apps, you will look top notch and in complete control of everything. Even if you have like six bucks in your bank account and your estate is comprised of a dozen old Yu-Gi-Oh cards that you were going to sell in 5th grade, she won’t know. All she will see is a man that’s so busy that he can’t even look across the table and make small talk about Tulsa’s garbage weather.

5. Be Yourself -Remember, if you follow these instructions to the T, you will not be able to get rid of the woman you take out. Use caution.

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