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Six ways to secure the ring by spring

More important than gaining a degree or job or honor roll is gaining a spouse. Here at ORU, this can be a tricky thing to master for the men.

A diploma is rendered useless if you have no one to share it with. A meal at Saga is bland and dull unless your soulmate sits across from you. The Prayer Garden is an eyesore if you do not have eye candy to walk with you.

As one who pondered enrolling in the Marriage and the Family course, I know I am qualified to offer advice on securing a Proverbs 31 woman while in college; I, too, am a woman, thus increasing my credibility. Below I will highlight a few steps to ensure you wed the woman for you.

1. The most important factor when seeking a significant other is the “M.O.G.” factor, an acronym for Man of God, and this is what you must ace to receive the attention of a Godly woman rather than a Jezebel type. The term, although retired, reigns as a man’s supreme superlative. It is not entirely clear how to achieve “M.O.G.” status, but ORU women can detect its legitimacy from a single interaction.

2. An easy yet underappreciated way of sweeping an ORU woman off of her feet is a stroll or sit-down in the Prayer Gardens. Bringing a girl into this array of gardening while discussing your personal life will show her how thoughtful and sensitive you can be. Why bring her flowers when you can bring her to the flowers?

3. Take note of the natural phenomenon known as “roommate date” that will occur during your time at ORU. Do not diminish the weight of inviting a girl to accompany you on a one-of-a-kind group date—the notion of marriage is tied to this intimate experience, so pick the right girl.

4. A forgotten tactic among ORU men is the fishbowl angle of wooing a woman—as in, strategically labeling you and a woman as a “fishbowl couple.” There is little or no escape from a relationship once it is established within the iconic hangout space connecting the men’s dorm towers and the women’s dorm towers.

5. Another concept, birthed from the words “uttermost bounds” by Oral Roberts, is one referred to as “mission goggles.” This elaborate approach requires you to join a mission team, hit it off with a team member, plan team outings (solely to grow closer with said-member), build and suppress romantic emotions while on the mission field, and lastly express your interest directly following the debrief of your mission’s experience.

6.   The last key phrase to memorize is “ring by spring,” and few people on campus are capable of recalling this term, let alone demonstrating it. Once you have found your soulmate, it is important to put a ring on it as soon as possible, showing that your commitment and seriousness is beyond a boyfriend title.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, ladies will be on the lookout for love, and you need to be prepared for all scenarios. Following my critical instructions might just be the determining factor on whether or not you leave ORU with a diploma in one hand and a wedding band on the other.